School Counselling Archives -

The Cycle of Self Esteem

Many years ago I worked as a Sex & Relationships Outreach worker for a small team based within the NHS called Teenage Kicks. We did 3 sessions as a staple offer. One on self esteem and rights, one on relationships and one on contraception. I’m unsure where this exercise came from (my guess is probably something from Jo Adams) but it has been one that has created so many AHA! moments for both young people and adults, not only in terms of self esteem but also in recognising that we are not mind readers and cannot always tell why someone is behaving the way they are.

This is how I use the Cycle of Self Esteem (though sometimes I don’t call it anything):

Getting young people to understand not everything is about them:
One day I was talking with 2 young people at war. Previously the best of friends, each swore blind that the other had stopped speaking to them first. Turns out, Person A had went to talk to Person B between classes, and Person B had walked off and ignored them. Person A then believing Person B had stopped speaking to them avoided them and effectively stopped talking to them. Person B had no idea what happened. They were so caught up in worrying about a test they had the next period that they hadn’t noticed Person A trying to talk to them, all they knew is that their best friend stopped talking to them seemingly without reason. So they didn’t talk to them either. What they both thought “they’re not talking to me, what did I do wrong?” caused them both to avoid the other person. They laughed when they realised what had happened. I use this example often when people get stuck in the “its their fault”

Changing our thoughts & behaviour to support peers
Along the same lines, within Psychological First Aid Training for Students I ask young people to write down all of the things that someone might be thinking or feeling when they are having a bad day, We often get ideas such as feeling upset, or angry, thinking no-one likes them, or that the world is unfair. Then I ask them to consider how this may impact their behaviour – examples are usually things like withdrawing, not talking to people, acting moody or snapping at people. How might others think/feel about them? And how will that impact their behaviour? The reflection here for young people, especially those who are being trained to provide peer support, is to understand that how people behave is rarely about those around them, it’s about them. So if our first reaction is to believe it’s about us, we will often withdraw as well which may further impact how bad the person is feeling. If our thoughts are “they’re clearly having a bad day” we are more likely to ask if they are okay and what they need (which may be to be left alone which is fine). It also seperates us from feeling automatically responsible for someone elses behaviour and helps them to take responsibility for feeling better.

Helps young people to think about coping strategies & ways to change mood
We all have bad days, heck sometimes even bad years, and sometimes our behaviour can be less than pleasant. It is important to stress that no matter how we feel we are always responsible for our own behaviour. Understanding what we need when we are feeling down to help us feel better or to recharge, and verbalising that to friends and family is really important. If you know that you get really angry and want to argue and fight with people when you’re stressed out, perhaps trying a different strategy like taking a really cold shower or venting it all out on paper is better. And be upfront about it – tell people that this is how you feel and what you need to do to feel better. Have those conversations, otherwise people may think your mood and behaviour is all about them.

Humans are social creatures and we often make assumptions about people based upon how they behave. As a side note I’ve found that explaining that a child has, for example, ASD or ADHD, can dramatically alter other people’s perceptions of them in a positive way, as they no longer think of their behaviour as defiant or trouble-making. The belief that a child is doing a certain thing just to annoy you, as opposed to they can’t help their behaviour is a seisemic shift when it comes to how we behave towards them, and how they in turn feel about themselves.

Is this something you think could be useful in your work with young people? Or is this something you already use? Let me know in the comments

How much is too much stress?

While a little bit of stress may be good for us to get working well, too much and we’re tipping into anxiety, panic then burnout. Too much stress and we lose motivation, it’s more difficult to concentrate and to remember things.
Sometimes when we’re stressedout we keep jabbing at the thing we’re trying to do. We get frustrated and angry, and we can’t get anything done properly.

At this point you need to

STOP.

Breathe.

Go do something else for a time. Then come back to it. If it’s your life overall that is stressful, try to find some time in your day where you can do something mindful or fun. This helps reduce your stress levels, and allow your brain to start processing properly. When I tell students this they sometimes say

“I don’t have time!!!”

But you do. Because by taking time out here and there and giving your brain some recovery time. You’ll actually be able to think more clearly, work will become easier and you’ll increase your memory and concentration.

For example, did you know that just 1 hour of gardening each week has been shown to reduce anxiety? Just this small amount of time each week can have amazing benefits.

What mindful activities do you do to relieve stress?

Third Culture Kids

A Third Culture Kid or TCK for short is a young person who has lived for a significant amount of time outside of their parents home country. Sometimes called Transnational Kids or Cross Cultural Kids, their personal identity will be different from both that of their parents and the cultures in which they live. They become a hybrid of the two; hence the term “third culture”.

There are approximately 600 million people worldwide who live outside of their birth country for various reasons; some families only live in countries for a set period of time (e.g. diplomatic staff, military families, those who work for some international corporations), others move out of necessity (displacement due to war etc) and others permanently migrate to another country.

The diagram above can help people understand how they are different and similar to both their parents and the wider culture. They can use the structure to figure out what aspects of their identity come from where, and what they also find difficult. For example some young people lose the ability to speak their parents home language so can find it difficult to converse with grandparents.

How about you? Are you a TCK? What have you found to be the difficulties and the strengths you’ve gained from living away from your parents passport country?

Where in your body do you feel…

Self Care Planning

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The idea that we need to care for ourselves is not new but many of us still neglect it. Why? I think it’s because when times are good, like our physical health, we don’t take much notice of our mental and emotional health. We just potter on.

On the flipside some of us roll our eyes at the idea of self care while actually practising it. Self Care doesn’t have to mean sitting meditating every day, for example it doesn’t do it for me, but exercise where I can immersed in the moment does. For some spiritual self care will be about prayer, for others walking in the woods with their dogs will rejuvenate their spirit.

It also depends on how you are doing overall. If your emotional weather is generally sunny at the moment, self care is putting routines in place that can help you when your storms come. If you’re in the midst of a mental health crisis your self care routine may be as simple as focusing on ensuring you have eaten & had a shower. Something which isn’t as simple as it sounds when you are not doing okay.

Your support system is also really important to acknowledge – who can you turn to if the going gets tough, or to have fun with this week? Your support system doesn’t have to be IRL it could be friends online, helpline numbers or support services. There is always support out there, no matter how alone you feel.

So choose to take some small steps today to invest in your emotional wellbeing – it would be great to hear how you look after yourself in the comments!

Putting Condoms on in the Dark: How to make a furry box

I used to do sexual health outreach sessions in the city centre, and there is always problems with doing any kind of condom demonstration out on the streets as, well, you don’t want to be brandishing, what to many members of the public anyway, looks like a plastic penis…

Soooo I’ve made a ‘furry box’ – this has the advantage of not only being ‘discreet’ but it also helps young people practice putting condoms on in the dark.

They are also fairly cheap and easy to make. Before you start you will need:

1. A box with a lid – I use a photocopy paper box
2. Some outlandish fake fur
3. Scissors
4. Glue and/or staples

Okay-cokey – Ready? Lets Go…

Step One
Remove the lid and cut 2 holes in either side of the box so when the lid goes back on you can stick your hands through comfortably as shown below:

Step 2: Cover the lid with fur using either the glue or the staples to hold it in place.

Step 3: Cover the base with fur as above

And TA-DA! You should have something which resembles the one below.

Step 4
Stick a condom demonstrator in it and a load of condoms and challenge young people to see if they can put a condom on in the dark.

How does your behaviour affect your relationships?

One of the main issues I work with as a counsellor is relationships and how people can become closer to the ones they love. Often they have gotten into patterns of controlling behaviour and seem to think if only the other person could change their behaviour then they would be happy. But relationships are not one sided and no-one has a magic control wand that makes other people do what they want them to do. So just as no-one can control you, you can’t control anyone else. The only persons behaviour you can control is your own. That is not to say people don’t try to – they will bribe, threaten, nag, criticise and punish to attempt to get people to do what they want. This doesn’t bring people together though, it tends to pull them apart. I may be going out on a limb here but I’m pretty certain you don’t like anyone trying to control you.

William Glasser in Choice Theory talks about 7 Deadly Habits: deadly because they are likely to kill any relationship, whether that be romantic or friendship. He also talks about 7 Caring or Connecting Habits which will bring people closer together. Both are below:

Controlling Habits.png

People are often quick to tell you what the other person has done, or not done. They get frustrated and possibly angered at the other person. Reminding them that the only behaviour they can control is their own, I always ask:

What do you want from your relationship? Do you want to stay together?
What are the main problems in your relationship?
What are you doing that are sustaining these problems?
What is going well in your relationship?
What is one thing this week you could do in terms of your behaviour that will bring you closer to the relationship you want?

Most people can think of at least one thing they can do. It could be as simple as eating together without playing on their phone, or asking how their day was. If you are in a rut with your relationship, give these a go. Reflect and make a small change today.

Show up… but also look after you.

I finally finished watching the third season of 13 Reasons Why and I wanted to pick up something the (new) school counsellor says to Clay Jenkins.

He asks “how do you do your job everyday when nothing ever changes?”

She replies by telling him that he personally helped Tyler change by encouraging him to seek help. She says all she does is show up. Good days. Bad days. She shows up, implying that’s all most people need. Someone reliable they can talk to when things are tough. That and I believe someone who hangs onto the hope that things can and do change for people. That things can get better.

In the show Clay is that person. He is the keeper of secrets, the friend most people turn to when there is a crisis. He shows up. And you can see the weight of what he carries around.

You can also see that without all that weight he would be lighter, happier.

I’m not arguing that you should stop listening to your friends. I am arguing however that if you are a “Clay Jenkins” please speak to someone to offload, maybe someone like me, a school counsellor. You don’t need to tell us your friends secrets, just how you are doing so you don’t take on too much. Counsellors have Supervision to help them deal with everything they hear – use us to help you deal with what you do.

Sentence Starters are…

…great for getting people talking.

I bought these coloured lolly pop sticks a little while ago & finally got around to writing on them today. Each stick has the start of a sentence on it which the young people can finish.

Ideally they shouldn’t think too hard about what they answer. A way to do this could be to give them a sheet of paper & ask them to write down the first thing that comes into their head.

You could do a similar thing if you are into journaling and want random topics to write about. You could write things like – love, politics, family, religion, hope, tragedy, fulfilment etc on them and pull them out at random. You could colour coordinate them as well, so the yellow ones could be internal emotions say, the orange could be about relationships, blue about the world, green about self etc. The questions or topics you devise will depend on who is going to use them and for what purpose.

Mine will be used in counselling with young people so explore a range of emotions, wishes and coping strategies. What will you use yours for?

Navigating Tech and Relationships

I worry sometimes about young people and technology. No not for the reasons you might think of straight away. Not the sexting. Not the access to explicit content. Not the bullying. Not the myriad of horrendous people online. I’ve seen young people take down and deal with all of that spectacularly – its a world they’ve grown up in – most of the time that’s the easy stuff. No what I am worried about is the inability to turn off the tech from friends and within romantic relationships.

When I was young – the very sentence makes me sound old – I went to school and saw my friends. I ‘played out’ – I saw my friends. I went home and over-analysed every minute detail of the day over the phone with my friends, until my mam or her mam screamed at us to get off the phone… the phonebill!! blah blah blah. Same with my boyfriend. I saw him for a couple of hours a day max. There was always a period of the day where we were alone or with my brothers, probably arguing about something someone had stolen off someone else. I left my friends and my boyfriends behind physically, and often mentally. I just watched the TV, listened to music or, perhaps wrote out song lyrics which completely expressed my unrequited love (true story).

Whatever drama was going on, I got a break from it.

Now this is important. When we are worried about someone or something our stress chemicals flood our brain. We need time where we are distracted, doing something, anything, that helps reset this. If you walked into your house and your bathroom was flooded, what would be the first thing you’d do? Hopefully it would be to turn off the tap. Same with stress and anxiety. You need to be able to turn off the tap. In my job as a school counsellor I ‘prescribe’ fun activities as an antidote to stress. You need to be able to switch off.

Now I think this is where the problem lies. The tech has given young people access to each other 24 hours a day. When a friend leaves them ‘on read’ they get angry, or anxious that they’ve done something wrong. Moreover there is no getting away from each others drama. Or if someone is having a really tough time – of course as friends you want to support them. But where does it stop? I have heard stories of young people acting as mini-therapists to their friends until 3am, sacrificing their own health to help their friends. I know of young people – absolute heroes – that have talked other young people out of suicide in the early hours of the morning. The weight of this lies heavy on the shoulders of the helpers as anyone who works in the helping profession knows. But young people don’t have supervision. They don’t understand the meaning of self care and shutting off. And one by one they become more stressed and anxious, but unable to pin point why.

Then there’s romantic relationships. Leave me on facetime while you sleep. Connected all night. Expectations to be supported and to be there for each other 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Expected instant replies. Expected password sharing. Expectations that were not there 20 years ago.

To young people I say this. You are absolute superstars and the support and help you give each other is tremendous. However you cannot drink from an empty cup as they say. Please, please, please consider setting some boundaries. Think about turning your internet off at 10pm. Get yourself some rest. Spend some time on you having fun. Get out into nature. Laugh. The world will be there tomorrow. Self Care is not selfish, and anyone who tells you it is, is. Continue reading Navigating Tech and Relationships

Talking about consent & pleasure is essential to safeguard young people

In light of the renewed interest in the allegations against Michael Jackson, I thought I’d post this discussion from back in 2013 when I was interviewed for a Brook project on talking about sexual pleasure within Relationships and Sex Education. As Steve also says, children and young people who are sexually abused or exploited do not have the words to say, nor sometimes even understand what is happening for them. Comprehensive sex and relationships education for all is essential in this regard to safeguard young people from abuse.

72 Five Minute Stress Relief Ideas

Cuddle your pet
Do 20 star jumps
Drink warm milo
Walk around your house
Smell your favourite perfume
Stretch as high as you can
Try to touch your toes
Sing
Dance to an upbeat song
Be silly
Look at a photo of a happy time
Have a shower
Have a snack
Draw something simple & silly
Go outside
Listen to the birds
BREATHE slowly & deeply
Play an instrument
Talk to a friend
Scream
Fake laugh for two minutes
Laugh at something funny
Watch baby animals on youtube*
Moisturise your skin
Wash your face
Pray
Talk to your siblings
Do something nice for someone
Send someone a text saying you appreciate them*
Pretend you’re 5 years old
Cry
Shake your body
Draw every noise you hear
Listen to upbeat music and try not to move
Skip
Roll your shoulders and your head
Write a list of all the things you are looking forward to
Write a list of all the things you can do to relieve stress
Change your clothes into something more comfy
Watch a K-Pop video and try to copy the dance moves*
Visualise your life after the thing causing you stress is over
Write a letter to yourself
Meditate
Remind yourself about times you have gotten through stress before
Take control of unhelpful thoughts – rationalise panic
Tell yourself you can do this
Organise your workspace*
Try to think of a vegetable for every letter of the alphabet
Do nothing*
Write a poem
Write down all your thoughts and worries
Brush your hair
Brush your pet
Rock yourself gently
Ask your parents/siblings for a hug
Smell the flowers in your garden
Take a break
Write a list of your strengths (what would your best friend say about you)
Do 20 sit ups / press ups
Make a list of everything you have to do, PRIORITISE them and put together a schedule
Try to balance on one leg
Do a handstand against a wall
Identify the source of stress & problem solve it if you can – ask is this worth stressing over?
Make a song up as you go along about being stressed
Write out motivational quotes*
Make fun of this list
Do some calligraphy
Close your eyes and listen to your breathing – try to slow it down as much as possible
Blow bubbles
Blow up balloons & whack them around your bedroom
Lie on the floor and tense then relax all your muscles
Ask for help…

*has the potential to send you into a procrastination spiral so stay away from if you cannot trust yourself.

Originally written for The Wallflower Project.

A Letter to the Stayers

It’s that time of year again. Students with signatures all over crisp white school shirts. One day they are here; the next there’s an empty seat where your friend used to be. And this happens over and over again, until one day you may decide that what’s the point in making new friends – it’s only emotional investment to be ripped away. And it can be hard, so, so hard to see your group, once so close scattered across the globe. Instagram photos of new friends, of new adventures, of new lives, while you wander lost around the school, trying to figure out now where you fit amongst the cliques left behind. How do you approach those acquaintances, that person in your English class, or the others left here in limbo? Maybe you won’t bother. Maybe you will decide that hiding out in classrooms to ‘finish your coursework’ is a better choice. Maybe head down, headphones on in the ELC is a better bet. At least your grades will go up you think to yourself. But you are lonely.

So here it is. We don’t really talk about the emotional hardship, of the loss felt by those who stay. We know it is hard for those who leave. But for those who stay some of you will have lost 4, 5, 6, 7… countless people who were close to you. The school is the same but it’s not really the same. Pretending you don’t care is a coping strategy – creating arguments before they leave so it is easier to say goodbye only makes the pain worse. Tell them you love them. Tell them what they mean to you.

Remember there are others in school who feel the same; others that have had friends leave and may also need a connection. Think about the type of friendship you need (big group? 1 close friend?) Join a random CCA that you’re interested in (rather than what would “look good”). Say hello to the other people hiding out in the studyhall, the classrooms, the library. Think about what makes you happy and do more of that. Ask if you can sit in the canteen with friendly faces. Talk about school work if you don’t know what to say. Allow yourself to feel sad. If you feel overwhelmed speak to someone, a teacher, a tutor a counsellor.

Look out for each other out there– if you are lucky enough to have your friends stay – look out for those who don’t. Invite them to sit with you. Say hello in the corridors. Ask them if they are okay. Our words are powerful and you should never underestimate the impact of a small gesture.

This post was originally written for and posted on The Wallflower Project

Making a calm down glitter jar

Today I’ve been making calm down glitter jars with some of my students. These are great for anxiety because mindfully watching the swirls of glitter can help bring you back into the present moment. Anxiety lives in the past or the future. People generally worry about things that have happened or things that are going to happen. This little jar can help stop those thoughts, even just for a couple of minutes.
What do I need?

a water-tight jar
Clear multi-purpose glue (liquid)
Hot water
Food colouring
Glitter

and if you are anything like me, paper to scoop up any spilled glitter!

How do I make one?

Fill your jar to around 80% with hot water (I use it straight out of our water dispenser so its pretty near boiling – it has to be hot enough to melt the glue)
Add a touch of food colouring – the more you add the darker it becomes. As this forms your overall colour make sure you are happy with it.
Add glitter. There needs to be enough to swirl around but don’t overload it at this point – you can add more later if needed.
Stir in the glue to fill the rest of the jar. Keep stirring until the glue has dissolved into the water.
Put the top on (ensure it is secure) then tip and shake it gently. If the glitter falls to the bottom of the jar too quickly you need more glue. Add extra glitter if you need to.
Leave to cool.
Optional: super glue the lid on if you are giving this to younger children as I can imagine them tipping it out all over your carpet won’t be much fun.

Ideas for its use

Shake and watch the patterns as the glitter moves around
Count the number of glitter flecks you can see
How many colours of glitter can you see in the jar
Watch how the glitter floats and hangs in the air, imagine yourself doing the same
Shake the jar and breathe slowly and deeply while watching the glitter slowly fall to the bottom

Here’s a video if you need it:

How to make a Glitter Jar