Uncategorized – Page 4 – Aylssa Temple

Navigating Tech and Relationships

I worry sometimes about young people and technology. No not for the reasons you might think of straight away. Not the sexting. Not the access to explicit content. Not the bullying. Not the myriad of horrendous people online. I’ve seen young people take down and deal with all of that spectacularly – its a world they’ve grown up in – most of the time that’s the easy stuff. No what I am worried about is the inability to turn off the tech from friends and within romantic relationships.

When I was young – the very sentence makes me sound old – I went to school and saw my friends. I ‘played out’ – I saw my friends. I went home and over-analysed every minute detail of the day over the phone with my friends, until my mam or her mam screamed at us to get off the phone… the phonebill!! blah blah blah. Same with my boyfriend. I saw him for a couple of hours a day max. There was always a period of the day where we were alone or with my brothers, probably arguing about something someone had stolen off someone else. I left my friends and my boyfriends behind physically, and often mentally. I just watched the TV, listened to music or, perhaps wrote out song lyrics which completely expressed my unrequited love (true story).

Whatever drama was going on, I got a break from it.

Now this is important. When we are worried about someone or something our stress chemicals flood our brain. We need time where we are distracted, doing something, anything, that helps reset this. If you walked into your house and your bathroom was flooded, what would be the first thing you’d do? Hopefully it would be to turn off the tap. Same with stress and anxiety. You need to be able to turn off the tap. In my job as a school counsellor I ‘prescribe’ fun activities as an antidote to stress. You need to be able to switch off.

Now I think this is where the problem lies. The tech has given young people access to each other 24 hours a day. When a friend leaves them ‘on read’ they get angry, or anxious that they’ve done something wrong. Moreover there is no getting away from each others drama. Or if someone is having a really tough time – of course as friends you want to support them. But where does it stop? I have heard stories of young people acting as mini-therapists to their friends until 3am, sacrificing their own health to help their friends. I know of young people – absolute heroes – that have talked other young people out of suicide in the early hours of the morning. The weight of this lies heavy on the shoulders of the helpers as anyone who works in the helping profession knows. But young people don’t have supervision. They don’t understand the meaning of self care and shutting off. And one by one they become more stressed and anxious, but unable to pin point why.

Then there’s romantic relationships. Leave me on facetime while you sleep. Connected all night. Expectations to be supported and to be there for each other 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Expected instant replies. Expected password sharing. Expectations that were not there 20 years ago.

To young people I say this. You are absolute superstars and the support and help you give each other is tremendous. However you cannot drink from an empty cup as they say. Please, please, please consider setting some boundaries. Think about turning your internet off at 10pm. Get yourself some rest. Spend some time on you having fun. Get out into nature. Laugh. The world will be there tomorrow. Self Care is not selfish, and anyone who tells you it is, is. Continue reading Navigating Tech and Relationships

Talking about consent & pleasure is essential to safeguard young people

In light of the renewed interest in the allegations against Michael Jackson, I thought I’d post this discussion from back in 2013 when I was interviewed for a Brook project on talking about sexual pleasure within Relationships and Sex Education. As Steve also says, children and young people who are sexually abused or exploited do not have the words to say, nor sometimes even understand what is happening for them. Comprehensive sex and relationships education for all is essential in this regard to safeguard young people from abuse.

Challenge 2018 & Looking to 2019

2017 was a very difficult year for me – I learnt a lot from almost falling down a very dark hole and the struggle to get back out. So when 2018 came along I found myself in the first couple of months trying things I’d never done before. Now whether this is a direct result of 2017 or if it’s an age thing (hurtling towards 40 at what seems like warp speed) I’m not sure but it turned out to be a great year. I decided early on to try new things each month and report back on them. I can’t say I was particularly good at reporting back each month but it was great fun. So in 2018 I tried the following:

January: Poetry Slam. This was petrifying and it’s really hard to write poetry!

February: Stand-Up Comedy. I did a 10 hour course with Bruhaha and performed for the first time in February. In total I have done 4 shows this year. Great fun.

March: Staff Dance Troupe.We performed in front of staff & students. Good fun and I didn’t forget too many steps but not interested as a long term activity.

April: Build a Website. I built this one. It still needs a lot of work but its a start.

May: Illustrated Lettering. Good as a mindful activity but I don’t have the patience for calligraphy.

June: Graduated with a Hat! Swish Swish!! And I cannot rock a graduation hat.

July: Dance Photography. Not as glamorous as I expected.

August: Grow Vegetables. I had high hopes but come Dec only the Chinese leafy vegetables and my herbs have survived. Replanting & hoping for a better 2019.

September: Sailing. We nearly capsized. I was glad I wasn’t in charge.

October: Join a Sports Team! The Womens Rugby Tournament was fun & I scored!

November: Clay Modelling. Fun but too messy – can’t see me getting a kiln anytime soon.

December: Make a Dessert. Nutella Cheesecake which was so tasty I made it a second time!

So for 2019? I’d like to get better at Photography and at Stand Up Comedy. I’m enjoying taking photos of surfing and of sports fixtures. And animals. I’d like to perform stand up outside of Brunei so the censorship restrictions aren’t there and I can talk about way more things that happen to me in everyday life. I’m going to carry on trying not to kill plants.

Other than that I think I’ll still try new things as I’ve enjoyed the purpose of this year. I hope your 2019 is full of life and adventure, and lots and lots of laughter. As Gretchen Ruben says – the days are long but the years are short, so pack as much as you can in there. Goodbye 2018. Hello 2019.

Self-compassion & the importance of self-care. (SE Asia School Counselling Conference 2018.)

An holds a unique piece of hand crafted pottery in her hands. It depicts a woman kneeling and as she explains is has only had a base coat of paint on it; it is ready for the detail – the rest of the story to be added. Four women, she explains, were involved in the process of making the piece and how her heart breaks when sometimes they pop pop pop and crack in the kiln. Sometimes only half of the clay figurines survive. She talks of the sadness and tears that happen when a piece explodes in the firey kiln, or the door is opened too soon and they crack apart rendering all their hard work for nothing.

Then she raises her arm and smashes it against the floor. The clay woman shatters. A audible gasp briefly fills the room followed by an violent, oppressive silence. Tears start streaming down my face.

She thanks us for our compassion & for now truly understanding how she feels when she loses a piece. I’m not sure exactly how I feel, I just know the tears are hard to stop. All that work for her to smash it seems unfair to the women who worked to make it. I feel for the clay woman who lies in pieces on the floor & acknowledge the tears stem from knowing that I’ve felt that shattered and broken before.

We all have a story

There’s a word in Marshallese that I’ve been considering getting tattoed somewhere for a couple of years – bwebwenato – which basically means storytelling. Ri-bwebwenato means ‘story-teller’ – those elders who passed down stories from generation to generation.

As counsellors we are the Keepers of Stories. People entrust us with stories which are painful, humiliating, sorrowful and very personal. Also amongst these they may find joy, humour & meaning. We tell our clients they have a story which has meaning & is worthy of been listened to. Do we tell this to ourselves? Do we listen to our own pain, hurt & suffering? Do we reach out & care for ourselves when we are hurting, embarrassed, shamed? Do we treat ourselves in the same way we treat others?

If the answer is no. You treat your friends with compassion but not yourself ask yourself why not? Do you call yourself names out loud or berate yourself when you mess up? Then stop. Be as kind to yourself as you would your best friend.

YOU have a story.

YOUR story means something.

YOU are worth listening to.

Practise some self compassion.

72 Five Minute Stress Relief Ideas

Cuddle your pet
Do 20 star jumps
Drink warm milo
Walk around your house
Smell your favourite perfume
Stretch as high as you can
Try to touch your toes
Sing
Dance to an upbeat song
Be silly
Look at a photo of a happy time
Have a shower
Have a snack
Draw something simple & silly
Go outside
Listen to the birds
BREATHE slowly & deeply
Play an instrument
Talk to a friend
Scream
Fake laugh for two minutes
Laugh at something funny
Watch baby animals on youtube*
Moisturise your skin
Wash your face
Pray
Talk to your siblings
Do something nice for someone
Send someone a text saying you appreciate them*
Pretend you’re 5 years old
Cry
Shake your body
Draw every noise you hear
Listen to upbeat music and try not to move
Skip
Roll your shoulders and your head
Write a list of all the things you are looking forward to
Write a list of all the things you can do to relieve stress
Change your clothes into something more comfy
Watch a K-Pop video and try to copy the dance moves*
Visualise your life after the thing causing you stress is over
Write a letter to yourself
Meditate
Remind yourself about times you have gotten through stress before
Take control of unhelpful thoughts – rationalise panic
Tell yourself you can do this
Organise your workspace*
Try to think of a vegetable for every letter of the alphabet
Do nothing*
Write a poem
Write down all your thoughts and worries
Brush your hair
Brush your pet
Rock yourself gently
Ask your parents/siblings for a hug
Smell the flowers in your garden
Take a break
Write a list of your strengths (what would your best friend say about you)
Do 20 sit ups / press ups
Make a list of everything you have to do, PRIORITISE them and put together a schedule
Try to balance on one leg
Do a handstand against a wall
Identify the source of stress & problem solve it if you can – ask is this worth stressing over?
Make a song up as you go along about being stressed
Write out motivational quotes*
Make fun of this list
Do some calligraphy
Close your eyes and listen to your breathing – try to slow it down as much as possible
Blow bubbles
Blow up balloons & whack them around your bedroom
Lie on the floor and tense then relax all your muscles
Ask for help…

*has the potential to send you into a procrastination spiral so stay away from if you cannot trust yourself.

Originally written for The Wallflower Project.

A Letter to the Stayers

It’s that time of year again. Students with signatures all over crisp white school shirts. One day they are here; the next there’s an empty seat where your friend used to be. And this happens over and over again, until one day you may decide that what’s the point in making new friends – it’s only emotional investment to be ripped away. And it can be hard, so, so hard to see your group, once so close scattered across the globe. Instagram photos of new friends, of new adventures, of new lives, while you wander lost around the school, trying to figure out now where you fit amongst the cliques left behind. How do you approach those acquaintances, that person in your English class, or the others left here in limbo? Maybe you won’t bother. Maybe you will decide that hiding out in classrooms to ‘finish your coursework’ is a better choice. Maybe head down, headphones on in the ELC is a better bet. At least your grades will go up you think to yourself. But you are lonely.

So here it is. We don’t really talk about the emotional hardship, of the loss felt by those who stay. We know it is hard for those who leave. But for those who stay some of you will have lost 4, 5, 6, 7… countless people who were close to you. The school is the same but it’s not really the same. Pretending you don’t care is a coping strategy – creating arguments before they leave so it is easier to say goodbye only makes the pain worse. Tell them you love them. Tell them what they mean to you.

Remember there are others in school who feel the same; others that have had friends leave and may also need a connection. Think about the type of friendship you need (big group? 1 close friend?) Join a random CCA that you’re interested in (rather than what would “look good”). Say hello to the other people hiding out in the studyhall, the classrooms, the library. Think about what makes you happy and do more of that. Ask if you can sit in the canteen with friendly faces. Talk about school work if you don’t know what to say. Allow yourself to feel sad. If you feel overwhelmed speak to someone, a teacher, a tutor a counsellor.

Look out for each other out there– if you are lucky enough to have your friends stay – look out for those who don’t. Invite them to sit with you. Say hello in the corridors. Ask them if they are okay. Our words are powerful and you should never underestimate the impact of a small gesture.

This post was originally written for and posted on The Wallflower Project.

Do what you did when you were 10…

I recently read “The Happiness Project” by Gretchin Rubin and there’s a few things that have stuck with me from that book. Firstly – “the days are long but the years are short” meaning stop, look around or the world may pass you by (I think this really should be credited to Feris Bueller), secondly “happiness comes from growth” and thirdly if you’re looking for something to do to increase your happiness levels think back to what you liked to do when you were 10.

May crept up on me really quickly and I hadn’t really thought about what my May challenge was going to be. I flirted with learning French. Cookery. Blogging. Making videos (I even made one). But although I want to do more of all of these, I just didn’t feel like it right now. Then another truism from the Happiness Project crept in… “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear”… voila – my friend has been dragging me to a fitness class on Sundays & today i discovered the art studio next door… And bought myself a calligraphy set. I already have a random assortment of stuff waiting to be used – I bought a sketchpad in Sabah Christmas 2016 which has been left untouched. A pencil case full of felt tip pens thrown into the cupboard. I’ve even got a book on how to do whimsical lettering I bought over a year ago… the time is clearly now. May is also mental health awareness month so doing something incredibly mindful & for no other reason than enjoyment seems to be the way to go. So here is my first attempt at hand-lettering- a quote from the Wizard of Oz. It’s clumsy as owt but I hope with a little practise to get better. Here’s to trying!

Making a calm down glitter jar

Today I’ve been making calm down glitter jars with some of my students. These are great for anxiety because mindfully watching the swirls of glitter can help bring you back into the present moment. Anxiety lives in the past or the future. People generally worry about things that have happened or things that are going to happen. This little jar can help stop those thoughts, even just for a couple of minutes.
What do I need?

a water-tight jar
Clear multi-purpose glue (liquid)
Hot water
Food colouring
Glitter

and if you are anything like me, paper to scoop up any spilled glitter!

How do I make one?

Fill your jar to around 80% with hot water (I use it straight out of our water dispenser so its pretty near boiling – it has to be hot enough to melt the glue)
Add a touch of food colouring – the more you add the darker it becomes. As this forms your overall colour make sure you are happy with it.
Add glitter. There needs to be enough to swirl around but don’t overload it at this point – you can add more later if needed.
Stir in the glue to fill the rest of the jar. Keep stirring until the glue has dissolved into the water.
Put the top on (ensure it is secure) then tip and shake it gently. If the glitter falls to the bottom of the jar too quickly you need more glue. Add extra glitter if you need to.
Leave to cool.
Optional: super glue the lid on if you are giving this to younger children as I can imagine them tipping it out all over your carpet won’t be much fun.

Ideas for its use

Shake and watch the patterns as the glitter moves around
Count the number of glitter flecks you can see
How many colours of glitter can you see in the jar
Watch how the glitter floats and hangs in the air, imagine yourself doing the same
Shake the jar and breathe slowly and deeply while watching the glitter slowly fall to the bottom

Here’s a video if you need it:

How to make a Glitter Jar

See you soon.

Its that time of year again. People are selling up their belongings. Students are leaving to go on study leave. Both saying goodbye to friends and looking on post July to new postings, new jobs, university, new friends, new lives…

And us? The stayers are left in limbo watching the chaos around us. The frantic selling of toasters, of cars, of the remnants of lives. My house is populated with clothing that will never fit, a sewing machine I will never use, lettered ice cube trays, half bottles of cleaning sprays, jewellrey, bags, reclining chairs, kitchen appliances, books, towels, a lamp… items that didn’t make the transition with their owners. Owners, friends, who are scattered across the globe. Owners who used to fill my home with noise and laughter now leave inanimate objects in their place.

And we say “see you soon, yeah?” And we mean we look forward to seeing your posts on Facebook. Seeing the sanitised version of your messy new life. Cue photos of new friends in new places; laughing and smiling to ease the transition. To ease the homesickness for a place that no longer exists.

Leaving sucks but staying without you is harder.